.png)
When I was 16, I was diagnosed with critical anorexia nervosa. Before my diagnosis I was completely unaware of the illness and what it entailed. Like many others, I believed anorexia was stemmed from vanity as it often portrayed that way on social media. It was always conveyed as a popularity trait in American films, a way the ‘popular cheerleader’ kept her envied physique. However, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
Anorexia consumed me and unfortunately to an extent still does. I constantly thought of food and whether or not I was ‘worthy’ enough of a meal that day. It controlled my life, everything was planned around what food there was to eat (if it was deemed ‘acceptable’), how much exercise I could get done in a day, how long could stay on my feet, or how low could I get the number on the scales.
The best way I can describe an eating disorder is like having a little bully in your head that criticizes everything you do. Its not all about weight and food. The lack of food consumption and excessive exercises is the sufferer’s way of externalizing the anguish going on inside them. Like every other mental illness, anorexia engulfs the brain. But by the time it begins to show physically it has gone too far.
A common factor associated with eating disorders is body dysmorphia. It is one of the most-deadliest components of the disease. I had shrunk to an alarming size, but I was completely unaware. When I looked in the mirror I saw a completely different person. This stays with you for your whole recovery journey, so it is a daily battle for me to put into perspective that my views are distorted.
I spent over a year in psychiatric care for the physical aspects of my illness. The real work cannot begin until the brain is restored to a certain capacity. This cannot be done without weight restoration. True recovery can begin then.
Unfortunately, not everyone can fully restore to optimal physical health. The damage is permanent in certain areas but that must be accepted, and it becomes easier to accept when you realise it is not your fault. Mental illness is an attack on one of the most vital organs in your body. Anorexia, although it shows a lot more physically than other mental illnesses, is still no different in that regard.
Recovery is a life-long process. Every day you and I wake up we choose to continue on this journey. Some days are harder than others and some days are unbearable, but we must remember the last time we had one of those days and we thought we couldn’t go on, we still did.
I wont lie and say the recovery is easy, because some days I wish nothing more than to give up. But I get comfort in knowing there are so many people who are fighting the same battle with me. There is strength in numbers and recovery is no exception.
When I was in hospital one of my best friends told me a quote that I live by every day. It was; “You were given this life because you were strong enough to live it.” We all must put into perspective that all of our journeys are individual but the pain and suffering we endure is relevant to our strength. So next time you feel angry that you have to go through this pain, remember it is because you are capable of getting through it and growing from it!
