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I’ve found throughout the years that mental health gets harder to talk about and not easier, I feel like the longer you let it manifest and not speak about it,the worse it will ultimately get. Back when I was in school I felt like I was nearly judged for feeling the way I did which made me regress and not want to express how I was feeling to anyone which is why it took me so long to seek the help I needed. Through secondary school is when things were very bad, I felt isolated and unloved and all I could think was that life didn’t feel worth it. I didn’t feel like I deserved to be loved because when I looked at myself, I hated what I would see. I started cutting myself when I was 14 and continued up until I was 18, I have countless scars on my arms and my legs and I have to live with them for the rest of my life. I used to hide them at any cost, I used to wear winter clothes in the hot summers just so no one would see them. I was ashamed for doing it but I couldn’t stop. I felt like I had no one to confide it and even the people I did try to confide in didn't know how to handle it because they were young also. Now I look at my scars as a symbol of how far I’ve come and they remind me of where I was and where I am headed. I finally opened up to my family when I was 15 because I had to as I was going on a summer holiday and I knew my scars would be exposed.
I was then put through counselling which didn’t help and I knew exactly what I need to say for my counsellor to give me a clean bill of health so I could stop my sessions even though I knew I still needed them, I didn’t want to continue because I wasn’t ready to face my demons. After that, I kept it to myself and didn’t explain to anyone how I feeling and acted like I was all shiny and new again full of happiness and it was kinda forgotten about among my family and friends but I still battled with my depression and anxiety everyday and it grew larger than I could imagine.There were times where I couldn’t go to school because of it but my family or friends never realised why I didn’t want to leave the house or go to school because I lied so I wouldn’t have to explain how I still wasn’t fine and things weren’t better,they were worse and once I finished school I kind of thought it might just go away but it became much worse.
When I started college, my bad days far outweighed the good. I would skip lectures because of anxiety attacks and leave college to go home because I felt like it was a safe space where I could be alone and my grades seriously suffered, this carried on like a continuous cycle up until a few months ago. There was just one day where I couldn’t take it anymore and I completely broke down and I realised something needed to change in my life. I sought out counselling and started sessions. I am nowhere where I want to be but I know now that I am on the right track. For anyone who is struggling or feeling any way similar to how I felt, then my best advice is to not let it linger or feel like it will just go away. To anyone who has had the strength to seek help,I am so immensely proud of you, seeking help is the hardest step of the way and everything after becomes that little bit easier. And for anyone who is looking for the strength to get help then just know it is possible and things will get better with time
