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Mental Health is such a taboo subject in Ireland and especially between men. There is a sense of weakness, almost an idea that if you confess to someone that you are suffering, you will be looked down upon.
Most men look at it as a weakness and in doing this they bottle it up, they don’t talk about their problems and they feel that if they open up about depression, they will be looked down at and perceived as someone who is only looking for attention.
There is no darker place in life than the place where you sit alone with negative thoughts running through your head. Like countless amounts of people in Ireland, and all over the world, I suffer from depression. I have been battling with the demons in my head for over 13 years now and it was only up to three years ago when I finally opened up and shared my story and the pain that I was going through.
I am a very private man, I don’t like to burden people with my problems. I have a great relationship with my family, and I have a very close circle of friends who I would regard as family. Unfortunately, I didn’t reach out for help. I never talked to anyone and I let the issues I was having build up in my head. I always thought that if told anyone I would be told “shut up, don’t be stupid, you are not depressed, stop looking for attention”. I always had the sense that if I just keep it to myself that it would go away, like will move on, I’ll be fine.
When I was 20 things took a turn where everything in my life collapsed. My parents split up right in front of my eyes and it is something I will never forget, a feeling of hopelessness and sorrow that slowly ate away at me. I didn’t deal with it, I didn’t talk to any of my family about how I felt about the situation. I let it build up to a point where I needed a release. For me that release was self-harming, it released the tension that was building up inside of me.
At first I would start off with just small cuts on my thighs as I knew no one would see them but as time went on I moved onto my forearms, cutting myself seven or eight times in both arms. This went on for a few months until a friend noticed the scars and made me confess to my mother. I was taken to Sarsfield Court a psychiatric hospital just outside Cork city. I was told by the doctor that I wasn’t depressed, that I was just lashing out over the fact my parents recently split up. That was it. I don’t have depression, I have just wasted everyone’s time for no reason.
A few years went on, I still had moments where I would feel down but the good days far outweighed the bad days. I kept telling myself that if the doctor said I was not depressed then how can I be, I’m just having a bad day. I never properly dealt with it though. I let it fester and build up inside of me to where it got so bad I hit rock bottom again. I had gone through a bad break up with my sons’ mother and I did not deal with it. Just like with my parents, only this time it hit me 100 times more. I had a feeling of not being good enough, I sat in my room, lights off and curtains closed in darkness crying to myself because I did not feel like I deserved to be here. I started to develop really dark thoughts, building up scenarios in my head of how I can kill myself. I went through about 5 months where I would sleep a max of three hours a night, sometimes none at all. Just lying there with these horrific feeling running through me.
I felt that I was a fuck up, I have wasted everyone’s time and that for them, I would be better off dead. I began to self-harm again using razor blades to cut my arms. I started to drink heavily and jumped off a bridge hoping I would break bones. I began to become over reliant on tablets and would mix three or four types in the hope that I would overdose. It was a nightmare and the only way I could get out of it was to finish it.
On the outside I was the same old happy Shane, laughing a joking and trying to make sure everyone was ok but, on the inside,, I was a broken man who only wanted to be gone from this world.
I had a plan made up and a day picked to end it. I was going through with it and I would finally be at peace. The burden of me would be lifted off everyone. While at home alone a got a pillowcase and put it over my head. I had two ties, one to tie the knot on the case and one to wrap around my neck to make sure. I was finally going to get rid of the demons and finally rest.
With the case tied around me, waiting for it to end, a flashing image came into my head that I will always remember. My sons head turning towards me and smiling. I quickly took the pillowcase off and broke down into tears. What was I doing? I called my mother and sister and told them everything. I realised that the pain doesn’t stop there, it starts there. I would leave my son without a dad, the pain my family would have to go through and how upset my friends would be.
I decided to get help. I went to Pieta House once a week for 12 weeks. Some weeks I would sit and say nothing for the hour, some I would cry through it and some where I really opened up. I had let this build up so much it effected my everyday life. I found it impossible to trust someone, hard to open up to the women I was seeing. I was an angry person, lashing out at stupid things and this wasn’t the type of person I was. I talked and talked, to my counsellor, my family, my friends. I shared my story on Facebook, which was probably one of the hardest things every, to leave yourself open to the world, to judgement.
It was the best thing I ever did. The weight that came off my shoulders when I just talked about how I felt. The pure release of emotion that started to come over me felt great. I still have bad days where I just want to be left alone, but I know how to deal with them. I don’t think you can ever be cured from depression but you can certainly learn how to live with it and how to come out on the right side.
To the countless of males and females that are living with this horrible disease, I urge you to speak out. We have lost too many beautiful souls because they felt they were too weak and too embarrassed to open up and talk. To everyone that has talked about their problems I applaud you. You have shown people that its ok to not be ok, that you are not weak and that you will never be judged. There is always a friendly ear that will listen to your story and be the shoulder to lean on.
- Shane O'Sullivan, Second Year Law.